Recipe 5: Srirachaioli with Green Bean Tempura

I'm out of breath from just typing that title. Goddamn.

I want to mark November with a hot and spicy recipe to warm up this chilly month. Or, if you're one for puns and fun, replace the aforementioned "chilly" with "chili". HA! Get it? Because...

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Sriracha
Origin: Thailand / USA
Known for: Being called "cock sauce".
Uses: Making everything from pancakes to soups to birthday parties better.
Can you eat it raw? Yes, and you should with everything.

I know you know what Sriracha is, and if not, you absolutely need to. Otherwise our friendship will be severely compromised.

But listen - I'm about to do things to this Sriracha that are sex crime-alicious. Perhaps you know that Sriracha already has garlic in it. Yes? No? Who cares? Yeah. Well, I'm gonna add MORE garlic to it. And some other stuff. I don't think you or your mouth is ready for this. For the weak, I recommend that you leave now. For your safety. Brace yourselves for...

SRIRACHAIOLI WITH GREEN BEAN TEMPURA

This is one ruthless motherfucker of a sauce, guaranteed to set your mouth on fire, accompanied by seductively crispy green beans. Proceed with caution.

(The following is for one small bowl of sauce and a handful of beans. Use math to make more than more than one small bowl of sauce and a handful of beans.)

Main Stuff:

Srirachaioli
3-4 cloves of garlic, halved
1 egg yolk* (no whites. NO WHITES.)
About 1/2 a cup of olive oil
Lemon juice
Sriracha

Green Bean Tempura**
Green beans
1 cup flour
1 tablespoon corn starch
1 1/2 cups beer / seltzer / something carbonated. But use beer.
Salt

Spices/Herbs (All to taste):
Add whatever you want to the tempura batter, idgaf. 

Optional ingredients:
None? Different veggies I guess?

Total cost per serving:
Maybe 97¢

*Yes, this recipe contains raw eggs. You have been warned. Don't be dumb about it.
**Yes, this recipe involved deep-frying. Don't be dumb about that either.

Steps:

For the Srirachaioli:

1. To make this the old fashioned way, you will need a mortar and pestle. Otherwise, use a food processor or your most durable plate and spoon.

2. Toss all the garlic and salt in there. Mash 'em up. Pulverize them. BE MEAN AND DIRTY ABOUT IT.

3. Add the egg yolk, and mix slowly. Then, add olive oil, drop by precious drop. Start slow, as if you don't want the oil in there. Add just enough to thin out the mixture and mix that shit slooooowly.

4. Add some lemon juice if the aioli is too thick. Or don't. Whatev.

5. Add the Sriracha, and use as copious of an amount as you would like. You will be left with this:

For the Green Bean Tempura:
1. Heat up some canola oil (it doesn't have to be canola, but it's the safest choice) in your deep-fryer. Keep a close eye on it, as you don't want any surprise oil fires. It should reach 375ish degrees, which is when it starts getting all swirly and bubbly.

2. Mix the flour, cornstarch, beer, and spices in a bowl until they are a total mess, like this one:

3. Dip those green bitches into the batter, and fry them in the oil a few at a time for about 1-2 minutes. This will be the most obscene mess your kitchen has ever seen. Or at least one of them.

Enjoy as much as possible. Invite your friends over and have them revel in your cooking genius. And laugh maliciously as their mouths burn from the flavor, because they will.

Adios, kids.

Recipe 4: (S)Mashing Pumpkin

Belieeeeeeve~~ Believe i-hin mee~ Belieeeeeeeeeeeeeve~ believe~~!

Sorry, couldn't help myself. I am a 90's kid after all.

Since next Friday is November 1st, I'm doing my Halloween post this week. And guess what we're making today, kids?

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Pumpkin
Origin: North America
Known for: Halloween! >:)
Uses: Pies, stews, jack-o-lanterns, ravioli stuffing, the seeds, the list goes on.
Can you eat it raw? No... no.

Halloween has been forever epitomized by pumpkins for reasons. But pumpkins aren't just for cutting up sadistically and letting them rot on your porch or be smashed by your neighbors. They're also for eating! Yeah. I know. Weird.

Pumpkin pie is, of course, one of the most popular uses of the pumpkin, and for damn good reasons. Pumpkin pie is, without comparison, THE BEST PIE. THE BEST. DO NOT DISAGREE WITH ME, FOR I AM SHOUTING LOUDER THAN YOU ARE AND THAT'S HOW ARGUMENTS WORK, RIGHT? ... Right?

... Are you still my friend? :'(

Assuming you are still my friend, today let's make...

(S)MASHING PUMPKIN

This dish... this dish. Ohhh, this dish. It's smashing. You'll see. 

(The following is for 2-3 servings. Use math to make more than 1-2 servings.)

Main Stuff:
1 small pumpkin, cubed (I do not recommend being a hero and getting a huge pumpkin. I do not understand how you could possibly eat all of it unless you have a family of 27.)
Butter

Spices/Herbs (All to taste):
Cinnamon, powdered
Brown sugar
Salt
Pepper

Optional ingredients:
1 or 2 (or 3 or 4) garlic cloves, left whole (You know, for the vampires.)
Milk, for a creamier pumpkin

Total cost per serving:
More or less 87 ¢

Steps:

1. If you've ever carved a jack-o-lantern, you know that pumpkins are hard like a priest at an all boy's school, and they're also filled with goop. Toss out all of that goop. Keep the seeds, though, because you can roast them in a frying pan.

*Do note that you can boil the pumpkin or roast it. For this recipe, I'm roasting it.

2. Slice the pumpkin into wedges. This will take years off of your life, probably. And a really sharp knife. And muscles. The result of your blood, sweat, and tears will look like this:

3. I like to sprinkle cinnamon and brown sugar on those wedges, but if you're not into that... you're soulless. Anyway, toss that in the oven at around 375 for 45 minutes to an hour, depending on how big your wedges are. If you're using garlic, put the cloves in there too, but take them out after 15ish minutes.

4. When it's good and soft (poke them to check), take the pumpkin out of the oven, peel it, cube it up, then mash the orange out of it. It will look like this:

5. Add enough butter and milk to make the mash as creamy as you want it to be. I left mine a bit dry, but it's all up to you. Also, add more cinnamon and brown sugar because why not?

Now, the thing with this is that, if you're the adventurous type, you can use it to make stuffed ravioli. I've yet to attempt making homemade pasta, but one day, I will. And believe me, pumpkin-stuffed ravioli will be the first thing I make. If you're that type, do that and tell me all about it. In detail. In extreme detail. Food is basically porn for me, as you've probably come to find out. Also invite me over for that shit.

Next week, I promise, I will post a full recipe. It's been a while since I've done that, I know, but trust me, I've got some tasty things cooking up.

Later on.

Recipe 3: Sucker Punch Turnips

Friends. Hello. It's Fall Autumn Fautumn? that time of year where the leaves change colors and get the fuck off their trees. I love it. I love the unpredictable and random temperatures. I love the colors. And I love the food that suits this fiendishly capricious weather, such as...

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Turnip
Origin: Eurasia
Known for: Being hot and fiery.
Uses: By itself, raw, cooked, pickled, whatever. They're awesomely versatile.
Can you eat it raw? Yes, but they're HOT AND FIERY.

Turnips are pretty much the shit. Like you saw up there in the uses, there are quite a few things you can do with them. A lot of people pickle them, which I've never tried, and while that's very good, my favorite thing to do with them involves completely different steps. Let me teach you how to make a very easy snack...

SUCKER PUNCH TURNIPS

This is an incredibly quick and easy side dish or snack that will surely punch your guests in the face with FLAVOR.
   (The following is for 1 turnip. Use math to make more than 1 turnip.)

Main Stuff:
1 turnip, cubed or sliced. Whichever.

Spices/Herbs (All to taste): 

Fennel seed, ground

Black pepper, ground

Salt, sea

Optional ingredients:
Cottage cheese, for dipping.

Total cost per serving:
Is there a dime in your pocket? Then that. That much money. 

Steps:

1. Preheat the oven to 375 OR set broil to high. Then, SLICE OR DICE THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE PURPLEY WHITE MOFOS! Be warned, though - they are no slouches. You'll need some biceps to cut them. They will fight back.

2. Grease a baking sheet, as well as the turnips, then spread them all around like a madman. Umm... on the baking sheet. Not all over your kitchen. 

3. Cover them with salt and pepper, and most importantly, the ground fennel seeds. Fennel + Turnips = A mouth massage. 

4. Pop 'em in the oven for about 20 minutes, if you want them a bit crunchy, or 30 minutes if you want them soft.

5. EAT THEM. 

Technically, the recipe ends here, but... There is more you can do, if you want. You don't have to. I don't have pictures for this either. Totally off the record. You wanna know? Okay, uh... here, meet me over in that dark corner in about 2 seconds. ... Yeah, over there. ... What? ... NO of course this isn't that illegal! ... NO I DON'T HAVE DRUGS. Here, just, shut up for a second.

... You all shutted up? Good.

Listen.

Psst. ... Yeah, I know I already have your attention, I just like saying "psst". So, uh, those turnips. If you let them bake a little longer, like around 30-35 minutes... You can mash them after that. And the result? Feloniously delicious. But don't tell anyone that I told you that. Just pretend you had the idea yourself, capiche? ... SAY "OKAY CAPICHE". ... Thank you. Now let's get out of here.

Until next time, rabble-rousers.

Recipe 2: Something About Rosemary Chicken

Greetings, greetings. Last week I was lame and told you how to make rice (better). This week, though, I retrieved from my arsenal of recipes something that will change your life. Let me jump right into the main ingredient for today's post, a little herb called rosemary. 

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Rosemary
Origin: Mediterranean
Known for: A sensual aroma and a Simon and Garfunkel song.
Uses: Adding flavor to chicken and beef, as well as bread.
Can you eat it raw? Most definitely.

I've had a love affair with rosemary for a while now. I used to get it dried, but later found out that it's far more seductive when it's fresh. Oh yes, rosemary and I go way back. Why, I remember when we were but teenagers, meeting up in secret to explore each other's bod--- I've gone too far. You don't need to know the rest.

Being an herb, rosemary needs to be treated delicately, and with the utmost love. Don't fry it, in other words. But bake it? Yes. Do bake it. Bake it good. Today, let's make... 

SOMETHING ABOUT ROSEMARY CHICKEN

This is a sexy and elegant dish that will cause people to fall uncontrollably in love with you. Use with caution.

(The following is for 1 serving. Use math to make more than 1 serving.)

Main Stuff:
A few sprigs of rosemary
1 chicken breast
Olive oil
Onion/shallots, diced
A few cloves of garlic, diced

Spices/Herbs (All to taste):
Black pepper, cracked (Ground is fine too)
Salt

Optional ingredients:
A handful of mushrooms, sliced
A splash of white wine (Do NOT use red wine)
Your favorite sauce

Total cost per serving:
In the neighborhood of $2.98

Steps:

1. Preheat your oven to a sultry 380 degrees (That's 190 celsius for you metric system users).

2. Cover a baking sheet with aluminum foil. Then, and this is very important imperative, tear off another fairly large sheet of aluminum foil and put the chicken in the center of it.

3. With the chicken on the foil, turn up the edges of the foil to make a sort-of box. Add about a tablespoon of olive oil and enough water to make a shallow pool for the chicken. Don't drown it, though. This is also when you add the wine, if you're using it, or whatever other sauce tickles your fancy.

4. Now, add the salt, pepper, onion, garlic and about half a sprig of rosemary in there. Feel free to break the leaves off the stem and throw the stem away. But be gentle. If you're using mushrooms, put them in now. You should have something that looks like this:

That is my famous chicken pouch. It sounds adorably gross, but it's single-handedly the best way to bake chicken. Now, close the foil up. Tight. That's right. Pinch it. Ooh yeah, squeeze it. Love it. Yeah baby. Here, let me show you how it's done:

That's what I call a chicken pouch! It makes ten thousand worlds of difference.

5. Bake for, like, a while. Follow this chart:

Amount   |   Baking Time
1 breast      45-50 minutes

Add 20-25 minutes for each additional breast. Teehee.

6. Walk away. Sing a song. Watch a show. Enjoy the aroma that is most certainly taking over your home.

7. Remove the chicken from the oven, and open the pouches very carefully and slowly, like you're making sweet, tender love to them. There will be steam. It will be hot. Mind your face.

8. I suggest you just plop the chickens out of the pouches right onto the plate. If you try to remove them, use tongs, because if you did everything right they will fall apart the moment they touch a fork. Be careful. Feel free to pour the juices over the chicken, as they should be salmonella free now.

9. Eat, eat and be... rosemary. Most likely, you'll be orgasming at this point. Yeah. You're welcome.

Serve with noodles or rice, or whatever, I guess. And make sure you add a vegetable. I used roasted Brussels' sprouts because the oven was on anyway. Which is super easy, just cut them in half and put them on the tray. Take them out after 15 minutes.

I actually made this dish two days in a row, because I love it that much. I like to experiment with it, and you should too. Here's a variant using a curry-like sauce that I will probably make a post about in the future:

You may have wet dreams about this dish in the future. That's okay. It happens. Don't be ashamed.

Until next time. And to the ladies out there: I must shamelessly... plug my sister's fashion blog. It's quite good. Visit QueenLeen Stylephile to find out more. 

Cooking Tips 1: How to Make Rice (Better)

Welcome back friends. Sometimes I'm gonna post cooking tips, because my target audience is people who... want cooking tips? I dunno.

Let's talk about rice because it's delicious and good for you, maybe.

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Rice.
Origin: China.
Known for: Being white and fluffy, like the inside of a teddy bear. Also killing birds at weddings.
Uses: As a side, or to stuff other foods. Or just by itself.
Can you eat it raw? No. You can't. Like, physically, you cannot.

You might be thinking that rice is boring and plain and why not just make pasta instead? But you're wrong. You're so wrong. For instance, you can't stuff peppers with pasta. Well... You could I guess. But that's a terrible idea and you should be ashamed for even thinking it. Here's how you make rice (better):

(It does vary slightly between different types of rice. There should be specific directions on the package that your rice came in. The following is a general guideline for long-grain jasmine rice.)

1. Get rice.

2. Measure how much rice you want to make. 1 cup of uncooked rice is going to be enough for about 2-3 normal people. If you're entertaining Arabs (like me) or Asians (like who I want to be), you will need more. So much more.

3. Measure a little less than double the amount of water than the amount of rice you're making. Look at this... "chart":

                       1/2 cup rice --- ~1 cup water
                         1  cup rice --- ~2 cups water
                         2  cups rice --- ~4 cups water
And so on.

4. Put the water in the pot and bring it to a boil. Add the rice.

5. Let water return to a boil and add a little bit of salt.

6. THE KEY STEP TO MAKE RICE (BETTER): Add some butter or ghee or whatever your fatty substance of choice is. Some. Don't Paula Deen it. This will make the rice wayyy less sticky and wayyy more delicious. A teaspoon is enough for 1 cup of rice.

7. Cover, reduce heat to low. Simmer for about 10-15 minutes. And then...

Tada! Rice! For you! And your stomach! Exclamation points are for when you're excited, right!

Coming up next Friday will be Something About Rosemary Chicken. If you care about your taste buds, you will not want to miss that.

Recipe 1: Kick-You-In-The-Face Tomatillo Steak

When you live alone, you've eventually got to learn how to feed yourself. Eating out everyday is expensive and probably not the surest way to ensure that you're eating actual food. That was the whole reason I started to cook - I'm cripplingly neurotic about what I eat. I've worked food service for many years; I know what goes on in those kitchens. You've seen "Waiting", I trust?

See, cooking is easy. Cooking is fun. Cooking is life. And anyone, male or female, can and should do it. Cooking is also an excuse to own very large knives, so, a note to potential burglars - Don't mess with a chef. We will cut you. For real.

Remember this?

The way I like to cook is to pick one ingredient and plan a dish around that. When you want to walk out of the grocery store without worrying about your bank account, that's the way to go.

And the rule of thumb for saving money is this: Plants are cheap, containers are expensive. You want more actual food in your cart than food that's in a box or a jar, which is not always food. For example, a jar of diced garlic costs about $3.00. A head of garlic cloves costs about 20 cents.

Today, let's talk about the tomatillo, AKA this little guy:

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Tomatillo.
Origin: Mexico.
Known for: Being the meatier, more sour cousin of the tomato.
Uses: Mexican sauces, to add a sour tang.
Can you eat it raw? Sure. But don't.

What I did with them didn't quite adhere to Mexican cuisine guidelines, because there are no rules when you're a KITCHEN BOSS. Typically, you should roast or boil the tomatillos, then mix them in a blender. I skipped the blender step because I didn't want to make a sauce. No, what I made was:

KICK-YOU-IN-THE-FACE TOMATILLO STEAK

This is a slightly tangy, slightly spicy, very sexy dish.

(The following is for 1 serving. Use math to make more than 1 serving.)

Main Stuff:
2-3 tomatillos, cubed (You can use tomatoes instead, or in addition. It will be less sour.)
1/2 onion, your choice of color, diced
2 garlic cloves, diced (Use more if you don't mind not having friends)
1/2 green bell pepper, diced
Thinly-cut steak, preferably pepper steak. Use as much as you want.
Olive oil (Or whatever)
A splash of red wine

Spices/Herbs (All to taste):
Cumin, powdered
Black pepper, ground
Salt
Cayenne or chili pepper (or both), powdered
Cilantro, fresh, chopped  

Optional ingredients:
1 hot pepper, sliced (I recommend using a serrano, but it's all up to how spicy you want it.)
Fresh ginger, grated
The juice of 1/2 a lime

Total Cost for 1 serving:
About $2.73

Steps:

1. Simmer the garlic, onion, bell pepper, and tomatillos* in olive oil with a bit of salt until your home smells like a Spanish kitchen. What that means is, let the ingredients get soft and slightly caramelized. This will happen quickly, so be attentive. This mixture is called a sofrito. I will talk about it frequently.

*Note: If you're using hot peppers and/or ginger, add them here.

2. Add the spices and steak, cooked or not. If cooked, reduce heat to low and cover. If not cooked, let the steak simmer a few minutes on each side first, then reduce heat to low and cover. 

It should look like this before you cover it.

3. Let the mixture simmer for about 10-15*** minutes.

*** VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: If you're making more than one serving, you will have to let it simmer longer than that. Don't get food poisoning on my account.

4. Walk away. Wait. Do... things. I don't know what you do with your free time.

5. Add the lime juice, if you're using it. Stir, then put that shit on a plate and smash it directly onto your face*. 

*Note: Don't actually do that. It will burn.

Garnish with fresh cilantro and serve with rice or potatoes or something carby, and add a side of steamed veggies for your health. I chose asparagus, and that was... not the best choice. But whatever.

Hopefully, you love it. If not, that's 78% your fault and 22% mine.

Tune in next time for Cooking Tips 1: How to Make Rice, and then tune in again after that for Recipe 2: Something About Rosemary Chicken. Until then. 

Arbritary Introduction

Hello.

You may or may not remember me from my last blog, Aberrantly Errant, which I must sadly inform you has died. Forever. Sorry.

BUT ---

I'm still here. So... rejoice and be jubilant.

You see, aside from drawing stick figures and ghosts and animals, all very crudely, I also cook. Very... not crudely. I'm actually quite good.

... I assume you require proof. Very well.

EXHIBIT A: My tools.

See the blue one? That's precisely why YOU DON'T MESS WITH A CHEF.

EXHIBIT B: Examples of my work.

 EXHIBIT C: How your face should look RIGHT NOW.

You will be impressed. And you will learn how to make the most delicious meals of all time. OF ALL TIME. On a budget! Because we've got bills and sh*t, amirite? Hint: I AM.

As you drool on your keyboard in anticipation of the next recipe I bestow upon you, check out Kitten Whiskers and Tiny Chili Pepper, two of my friends' blogs that will... do nothing to stem the drooling. You might as well attach a bucket to your mouth. Also, check out my sister's fashion blog, Queen Leen Style Phile.

See you later.