Blog Archive

Friday, November 22, 2013

Recipe 5: Srirachaioli with Green Bean Tempura

I'm out of breath from just typing that title. Goddamn.

I want to mark November with a hot and spicy recipe to warm up this chilly month. Or, if you're one for puns and fun, replace the aforementioned "chilly" with "chili". HA! Get it? Because...

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Sriracha
Origin: Thailand / USA
Known for: Being called "cock sauce".
Uses: Making everything from pancakes to soups to birthday parties better.
Can you eat it raw? Yes, and you should with everything.

I know you know what Sriracha is, and if not, you absolutely need to. Otherwise our friendship will be severely compromised.

But listen - I'm about to do things to this Sriracha that are sex crime-alicious. Perhaps you know that Sriracha already has garlic in it. Yes? No? Who cares? Yeah. Well, I'm gonna add MORE garlic to it. And some other stuff. I don't think you or your mouth is ready for this. For the weak, I recommend that you leave now. For your safety. Brace yourselves for...


This is one ruthless motherfucker of a sauce, guaranteed to set your mouth on fire, accompanied by seductively crispy green beans. Proceed with caution.

(The following is for one small bowl of sauce and a handful of beans. Use math to make more than more than one small bowl of sauce and a handful of beans.)

Main Stuff:


3-4 cloves of garlic, halved
1 egg yolk* (no whites. NO WHITES.)
About 1/2 a cup of olive oil
Lemon juice

Green Bean Tempura**
Green beans
1 cup flour
1 tablespoon corn starch
1 1/2 cups beer / seltzer / something carbonated. But use beer.

Spices/Herbs (All to taste):
Add whatever you want to the tempura batter, idgaf. 

Optional ingredients:
None? Different veggies I guess?

Total cost per serving:
Maybe 97¢

*Yes, this recipe contains raw eggs. You have been warned. Don't be dumb about it.
**Yes, this recipe involved deep-frying. Don't be dumb about that either.


For the Srirachaioli:

1. To make this the old fashioned way, you will need a mortar and pestle. Otherwise, use a food processor or your most durable plate and spoon.

2. Toss all the garlic and salt in there. Mash 'em up. Pulverize them. BE MEAN AND DIRTY ABOUT IT.

3. Add the egg yolk, and mix slowly. Then, add olive oil, drop by precious drop. Start slow, as if you don't want the oil in there. Add just enough to thin out the mixture and mix that shit slooooowly.

4. Add some lemon juice if the aioli is too thick. Or don't. Whatev.

5. Add the Sriracha, and use as copious of an amount as you would like. You will be left with this:

For the Green Bean Tempura:
1. Heat up some canola oil (it doesn't have to be canola, but it's the safest choice) in your deep-fryer. Keep a close eye on it, as you don't want any surprise oil fires. It should reach 375ish degrees, which is when it starts getting all swirly and bubbly.

2. Mix the flour, cornstarch, beer, and spices in a bowl until they are a total mess, like this one:

3. Dip those green bitches into the batter, and fry them in the oil a few at a time for about 1-2 minutes. This will be the most obscene mess your kitchen has ever seen. Or at least one of them.

Enjoy as much as possible. Invite your friends over and have them revel in your cooking genius. And laugh maliciously as their mouths burn from the flavor, because they will.

Adios, kids.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Recipe 4: (S)Mashing Pumpkin

Belieeeeeeve~~ Believe i-hin mee~ Belieeeeeeeeeeeeeve~ believe~~!

Sorry, couldn't help myself. I am a 90's kid after all.

Since next Friday is November 1st, I'm doing my Halloween post this week. And guess what we're making today, kids?

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Pumpkin
Origin: North America
Known for: Halloween! >:)
Uses: Pies, stews, jack-o-lanterns, ravioli stuffing, the seeds, the list goes on.
Can you eat it raw? No... no.

Halloween has been forever epitomized by pumpkins for reasons. But pumpkins aren't just for cutting up sadistically and letting them rot on your porch or be smashed by your neighbors. They're also for eating! Yeah. I know. Weird.

Pumpkin pie is, of course, one of the most popular uses of the pumpkin, and for damn good reasons. Pumpkin pie is, without comparison, THE BEST PIE. THE BEST. DO NOT DISAGREE WITH ME, FOR I AM SHOUTING LOUDER THAN YOU ARE AND THAT'S HOW ARGUMENTS WORK, RIGHT? ... Right?

... Are you still my friend? :'(

Assuming you are still my friend, today let's make...


This dish... this dish. Ohhh, this dish. It's smashing. You'll see. 

(The following is for 2-3 servings. Use math to make more than 1-2 servings.)

Main Stuff:
1 small pumpkin, cubed (I do not recommend being a hero and getting a huge pumpkin. I do not understand how you could possibly eat all of it unless you have a family of 27.)

Spices/Herbs (All to taste):
Cinnamon, powdered
Brown sugar

Optional ingredients:
1 or 2 (or 3 or 4) garlic cloves, left whole (You know, for the vampires.)
Milk, for a creamier pumpkin

Total cost per serving:
More or less 87 ¢


1. If you've ever carved a jack-o-lantern, you know that pumpkins are hard like a priest at an all boy's school, and they're also filled with goop. Toss out all of that goop. Keep the seeds, though, because you can roast them in a frying pan.

*Do note that you can boil the pumpkin or roast it. For this recipe, I'm roasting it.

2. Slice the pumpkin into wedges. This will take years off of your life, probably. And a really sharp knife. And muscles. The result of your blood, sweat, and tears will look like this:

3. I like to sprinkle cinnamon and brown sugar on those wedges, but if you're not into that... you're soulless. Anyway, toss that in the oven at around 375 for 45 minutes to an hour, depending on how big your wedges are. If you're using garlic, put the cloves in there too, but take them out after 15ish minutes.

4. When it's good and soft (poke them to check), take the pumpkin out of the oven, peel it, cube it up, then mash the orange out of it. It will look like this:

5. Add enough butter and milk to make the mash as creamy as you want it to be. I left mine a bit dry, but it's all up to you. Also, add more cinnamon and brown sugar because why not?

Now, the thing with this is that, if you're the adventurous type, you can use it to make stuffed ravioli. I've yet to attempt making homemade pasta, but one day, I will. And believe me, pumpkin-stuffed ravioli will be the first thing I make. If you're that type, do that and tell me all about it. In detail. In extreme detail. Food is basically porn for me, as you've probably come to find out. Also invite me over for that shit.

Next week, I promise, I will post a full recipe. It's been a while since I've done that, I know, but trust me, I've got some tasty things cooking up.

Later on.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Recipe 3: Sucker Punch Turnips

Friends. Hello. It's Fall Autumn Fautumn? that time of year where the leaves change colors and get the fuck off their trees. I love it. I love the unpredictable and random temperatures. I love the colors. And I love the food that suits this fiendishly capricious weather, such as...

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Turnip
Origin: Eurasia
Known for: Being hot and fiery.
Uses: By itself, raw, cooked, pickled, whatever. They're awesomely versatile.
Can you eat it raw? Yes, but they're HOT AND FIERY.

Turnips are pretty much the shit. Like you saw up there in the uses, there are quite a few things you can do with them. A lot of people pickle them, which I've never tried, and while that's very good, my favorite thing to do with them involves completely different steps. Let me teach you how to make a very easy snack...


This is an incredibly quick and easy side dish or snack that will surely punch your guests in the face with FLAVOR.
(The following is for 1 turnip. Use math to make more than 1 turnip.)
Main Stuff:
1 turnip, cubed or sliced. Whichever.

Spices/Herbs (All to taste): 
Fennel seed, ground
Black pepper, ground
Salt, sea

Optional ingredients:
Cottage cheese, for dipping.

Total cost per serving:
Is there a dime in your pocket? Then that. That much money. 

1. Preheat the oven to 375 OR set broil to high. Then, SLICE OR DICE THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE PURPLEY WHITE MOFOS! Be warned, though - they are no slouches. You'll need some biceps to cut them. They will fight back.

2. Grease a baking sheet, as well as the turnips, then spread them all around like a madman. Umm... on the baking sheet. Not all over your kitchen

3. Cover them with salt and pepper, and most importantly, the ground fennel seeds. Fennel + Turnips = A mouth massage. 

4. Pop 'em in the oven for about 20 minutes, if you want them a bit crunchy, or 30 minutes if you want them soft.


Technically, the recipe ends here, but... There is more you can do, if you want. You don't have to. I don't have pictures for this either. Totally off the record. You wanna know? Okay, uh... here, meet me over in that dark corner in about 2 seconds. ... Yeah, over there. ... What? ... NO of course this isn't that illegal! ... NO I DON'T HAVE DRUGS. Here, just, shut up for a second.

... You all shutted up? Good.


Psst. ... Yeah, I know I already have your attention, I just like saying "psst". So, uh, those turnips. If you let them bake a little longer, like around 30-35 minutes... You can mash them after that. And the result? Feloniously delicious. But don't tell anyone that I told you that. Just pretend you had the idea yourself, capiche? ... SAY "OKAY CAPICHE". ... Thank you. Now let's get out of here.

Until next time, rabble-rousers.