Recipe 3: Sucker Punch Turnips

Friends. Hello. It's Fall Autumn Fautumn? that time of year where the leaves change colors and get the fuck off their trees. I love it. I love the unpredictable and random temperatures. I love the colors. And I love the food that suits this fiendishly capricious weather, such as...

Ingredient Spotlight:
Name: Turnip
Origin: Eurasia
Known for: Being hot and fiery.
Uses: By itself, raw, cooked, pickled, whatever. They're awesomely versatile.
Can you eat it raw? Yes, but they're HOT AND FIERY.

Turnips are pretty much the shit. Like you saw up there in the uses, there are quite a few things you can do with them. A lot of people pickle them, which I've never tried, and while that's very good, my favorite thing to do with them involves completely different steps. Let me teach you how to make a very easy snack...

SUCKER PUNCH TURNIPS

This is an incredibly quick and easy side dish or snack that will surely punch your guests in the face with FLAVOR.
   (The following is for 1 turnip. Use math to make more than 1 turnip.)

Main Stuff:
1 turnip, cubed or sliced. Whichever.

Spices/Herbs (All to taste): 

Fennel seed, ground

Black pepper, ground

Salt, sea

Optional ingredients:
Cottage cheese, for dipping.

Total cost per serving:
Is there a dime in your pocket? Then that. That much money. 

Steps:

1. Preheat the oven to 375 OR set broil to high. Then, SLICE OR DICE THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE PURPLEY WHITE MOFOS! Be warned, though - they are no slouches. You'll need some biceps to cut them. They will fight back.

2. Grease a baking sheet, as well as the turnips, then spread them all around like a madman. Umm... on the baking sheet. Not all over your kitchen. 

3. Cover them with salt and pepper, and most importantly, the ground fennel seeds. Fennel + Turnips = A mouth massage. 

4. Pop 'em in the oven for about 20 minutes, if you want them a bit crunchy, or 30 minutes if you want them soft.

5. EAT THEM. 

Technically, the recipe ends here, but... There is more you can do, if you want. You don't have to. I don't have pictures for this either. Totally off the record. You wanna know? Okay, uh... here, meet me over in that dark corner in about 2 seconds. ... Yeah, over there. ... What? ... NO of course this isn't that illegal! ... NO I DON'T HAVE DRUGS. Here, just, shut up for a second.

... You all shutted up? Good.

Listen.

Psst. ... Yeah, I know I already have your attention, I just like saying "psst". So, uh, those turnips. If you let them bake a little longer, like around 30-35 minutes... You can mash them after that. And the result? Feloniously delicious. But don't tell anyone that I told you that. Just pretend you had the idea yourself, capiche? ... SAY "OKAY CAPICHE". ... Thank you. Now let's get out of here.

Until next time, rabble-rousers.